Q: We have quite a dilemma in our house and I'm not sure which way to go. We have two daughters, ages 15 and 11. The 15-year-old has taken to blaming all her bad behavior on her sister because she thinks we treat her younger sister as the favorite. Can this make her behave badly? Do you think we should change how we treat them?
A: Put two or more children in one family and someone will eventually cry "you treat him/her better than me!"
So that leads to the question, should you take this seriously, and if so, what should you do about it?
First, ask yourself if there is any validity to the complaint. It could be that one child is easier to deal with than the other _ high maintenance vs. low maintenance. You might share more interests with one child than another, or one child might behave better than another. These are all naturally occurring situations.
Another way to look at it is of course you treat them differently because each of your children grew up in different families. Your oldest child has grown up in a family that was raising its first child, no other kids in the picture. Your second child was born into a family with already broken-in parents and an older sibling.
By definition, you are going to treat them differently, at least to some extent.
One solution here is to schedule dates with each of them on a regular basis. A date would involve one or both parents separately with each child, spending time together just having fun and focused on each child.
Another strategy is to not allow your daughter to use this as a way to manipulate you. If you do, you have given her a powerful and handy piece of leverage.
The bottom line is this: Even if you do treat your children differently, it remains your older daughter's responsibility to learn how to manage herself in situations that might be unfair, because that's good training for the real world, and to behave in the manner that you have taught her is appropriate. In other words, don't lower your standards for behavior in the face of "you treat her different than me!"
Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.
