Making friends is a skill, just like playing the piano or riding a bike. Skills can be learned and behaviors can be changed. While it may require more effort for some people to be comfortable in groups, it can be learned, especially if the child is willing to put forth the effort and knows that she has your support. Be sure to encourage a child’s positive efforts to get along with peers and to find a friend, even when it appears that such attempts are not meeting with success. Remind her of the fine qualities that she has that will add to the friendship when just the right person comes along. Another reminder is that making just the right friend for her may take some time and not to give up. Help her to see what she has to offer as a friend. For example, you might say: “I really appreciate it when my friends call me and invite me places. It makes me feel welcome and accepted. Even on the times when I am not able to go, I still feel good to know they thought of me. That is why I treat them with kindness and respect, because that is how I want to be treated.” In my workshops I find it helpful to make a list of what people look for in a friend. You may want to make such a list with your child. After brainstorming it is easy to include such things as: • Trustworthy
• Kind and compassionate
• Willing to share happy and sad times
• Loyal, will watch my back
• Sense of humor
• Positive attitude, upbeat
• Similar interests
• Fun to be with
• Not be too possessive or needy
• Cooperative
• Enjoys being with me If you look at the list, almost never does it include psychical attributes, they are all character traits and inner personal skills. If we don’t have those skills, we can work on obtaining them by practicing a little each day until it becomes automatic action. It is this attitude of openness and willingness to share that is communicated to those we would like to be our friends. The irony is that people, young and old, tend to blame outward appearances for lack of friends, when it is the inward attitudes and character traits that are longed for in friendship. We are not searching for lovely nearly as much as loyalty in a companion and buddy. When we realize that it is not our big ears, speech impediment or color of skin that stops others from befriending us, as much as it is how we treat others and feel about ourselves, we will have more to offer a friendship. As you encourage making a list of what the child is looking for in a friend, be sure to mention that appearances may be deceiving. She may very well know many in her class who are also looking for just the right person to hang around with. Hopefully, your child will draw her own conclusions that she is a valuable person and has much to bring to a relationship. And likewise, there may very well be many people who meet the criteria of a friend that she has been overlooking. It is more empowering for a child to list her own positive qualities that will make her a valuable friend than for you to do it for her. This is her work, but you are the support team. You cannot make your child happy, popular, talented or attractive to other children. If you think you can, you will be setting both of you up for disappointment and a great deal of frustration. What you can do is offer her suggestions, assistance, opportunities and options. Hopefully, she will recognize the clues of social interaction and ‘click’ with a good group of friends who will support her in her school years and become life long buddies. How you manage social situations affects the way your children view social interaction. If you have meaningful relationships that add pleasure to your life, they will see that and want to have the same thing. Judy H. Wright©2005 Judy H. Wright parent educator and family coach writes and speaks about family relationships on an international basis. For free articles and parenting tips please go to: http://www.artichokepress.com
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