When death comes to visit, the details of doctors and hospitals and hospices often take over. There is very little idea of what to do next: where s/he will be buried, what kind of coffin to choose, what will happen at the funeral, how to write the newspaper obituary, how to deal with young children and grandchildren, and other details which need taking care of. These tips will help you with those tasks. The contents have been arranged in chronological order: A. Before Death Occurs
B. At the Time of Death
C. Organ Donation
D. Between Death and the Funeral A. Before Death Occurs 1. Speak to a funeral director before the imminent death of a family member or someone for whom you are responsible. You will be better able to evaluate a funeral company’s services in a less stressful situation. The funeral director will already be acquainted with you when the death occurs and be able to help you more effectively. 2. Find out what services the funeral director’s firm provides. These services can include transportation to and from the cemetery or coffin purchase. Notice if the staff is courteous and whether the company’s prices are reasonable. 3. Include the dying person in these discussions if at all possible. Having some control over one’s own final arrangements at a time when control over life and death is fleeting is crucial. 4. Create the funeral as a life-portrait and a life-celebration, Discuss who will speak at the funeral and what they should say. Consider what the dying person is most proud of, what values they stand for, and what they want their children to remember about them. 5. Purchase a burial plot. Think about whether the plot is conveniently located and the cemetery administration is responsive to your needs. 6. Determine if the cemetery is a kosher area. That means there is an area dedicated specifically for Jewish burial. 7. Notice if the grounds of the cemetery are carefully maintained and that the environment is a pleasant, restful one. This is also important for those who will be visiting the grave site. 8. Consult with a Rabbi or funeral director about available options when both partners are not Jewish who wish to be buried together. There are usually various possibilities from which to choose. B. At the Time of Death 9. Watch over a person who is passing from this world during the final stages of life, whether in the hospital or in the home. It shows great respect. 10. Call a local Rabbi at this time, if desired, to aid the dying person in saying a final confession, known as viddui. The funeral director can help you find a Rabbi if you do not already have one in mind. 11. Follow an ancient custom prescribing that the mirrors in the house be covered if death occurs at home. This is to discourage personal vanity. 12. Contact the funeral director or your Rabbi at the time of death. This is another time to ask the funeral director to provide you with a Rabbi if you do not have one. The funeral director is usually notified first. He then contacts the Rabbi to coordinate funeral arrangements. 13. Look to the Rabbi for help with emotional and psychological issues. Questions such as "How do I deal with guilt or sorrow?" or "What do I tell the children?" are difficult and important questions to be answered. The Rabbi can assist with this. 14. Realize there are many conflicting emotions swirling around before and after a death. These feelings are normal. It helps to express them and to validate their presence. While death is not always an enemy, as when it comes to bring an end to pain and suffering, the heart hurts when death comes to visit. 15. Write an obituary for the local newspaper soon after the death of your loved one. Include not only necessary personal information (names of close family members, time and place of funeral and shiva), but also values which were important to him/her. Ask yourself: what did s/he stand for? Your answers will become the obituary. Also include mention of charities for memorial donations. C. Organ Donation 16. Understand that the donation of vital organs which lead to the saving of a life is a mitzvah (commandment) of the highest level. To save a life by donating an organ takes precedence over any other concern. 17. Make arrangements for donating organs ahead of time whenever possible. Permission for organ donation may be given by the family at the time of death when advance arrangements have not been made. 18. Ask one of the hospital staff to put you in touch with the local organ donation organization if it is not automatically suggested. They will guide you through the process. D. Between Death and the Funeral 19. Be aware of traditional observance requiring that from the time of death until burial the body not be left alone but be attended by a watcher (shomer). This is a sign of respect, an understanding that the body is the repository of the soul. Even though the body has no more life, it must be respected until it is buried in the ground. A relative or friend may perform this mitzvah, known as shmira, or someone else may be hired. 20. Observe the prescribed tradition of washing the body in a specific ritual manner immediately after death. This act, known as tahara (ritual purification), must be performed by members of a Hevra Kaddisha, a Jewish Burial Society. Should you wish to obtain the services of tahara and shmira the funeral director will be honored to assist you. 21. Make final decisions about the time and place of funeral services and burial, transportation, the purchase of a coffin, and other considerations. Some of these decisions have been made in advance and now only require confirmation. Other aspects must now be determined. 22. Keep in mind that the soul must be treated with great respect until it is buried in the ground. Jewish law requires burial to take place within twenty-four hours following death. Practical considerations sometimes make that time frame difficult for the family, so as soon as possible is advisable. 23. Realize some cases in which a delayed burial is permitted. These include: when civil law requires delay; when close relatives have a long way to travel to the place of burial; if the day of burial would be Shabbat, a High Holiday or a Festival; or if the services of the funeral home or the cemetery are unavailable. In any case the burial must not be delayed any longer than absolutely necessary. 24. Recognize that the name applied to the period between death and burial is aninut (ah-nee-noot). The mourner is known during this time as an onen (onayn). 25. Understand the Jewish laws governing aninut. Aninut is a time of pain and numbing disorientation for the mourner whose memory of loss is intensely fresh. Yet during aninut the onen is required to make immediate and significant decisions concerning the funeral service and interment of the deceased. 26. Consider that it is most difficult to make these significant decisions and fulfill other mitzvot (ritual commandments) at the same time. Jewish law relieves the onen of almost all religious and social obligations. This includes the formal observances of mourning, which do not begin until after the interment. The exceptions are the observance of Shabbat and the first night of Passover. 27. Consult your Rabbi or one of the sources listed in the bibliography at the end of this booklet for other laws regarding aninut. You are certain to find answers relevant to your situation. Rabbi Mel Glazer is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist who can help you navigate these difficult waves of emotion. He has served pulpits in the United States and Canada, and Johannesburg, South Africa. Feel free to call upon him for guidance when making difficult decisions. He is also available to officiate at funerals for your loved ones anywhere in America. His phone number is 1.877. LECHAIM. (1.877.532.4246)
|
