When Death Visits A Jewish Home Part 3

H. At the Cemetery

43. Realize that Jewish law is adamant concerning burial of the body in the ground, citing Genesis 3:19: "For you are dust, and to dust you will return," and Deuteronomy 21:23: "You shall surely bury them." Some people, for personal reasons, request cremation of the body. This is not a traditional Jewish option. Traditional Rabbis and Cantors will not officiate at a funeral that is followed by cremation. Consult your Rabbi for advice.

44. Notice that after the funeral service, the casket is carried to the hearse, which forms the head of the funeral procession traveling to the place of interment. American custom prescribes that those who follow in their cars indicate that they are part of the procession by turning on their head­lights.

45. Rely on the funeral director to make all the necessary arrangements with the cemetery. Upon arrival at the cemetery the coffin is carried from the hearse and lowered into the grave, beside which is a mound of dirt and a shovel.

46. Participate in a brief graveside service. The service consists of psalms, readings, the memorial prayer El Malei Rahamim, and (if a minyan is present) the recital of the Mourner's Kaddish.

47. Invite the mourners and others who wish to begin filling in the grave. A bag of soil from the Mount of Olives ceme­tery in Jerusalem is frequently provided to begin this process. Though a difficult action to perform, it is often of great psychological benefit to the mourner. It emphasizes the reality and finality of death, thus aiding the mourner to begin the process of acceptance and healing.

48. Ask the comforters to form two lines following the burial service, leaving an aisle through which the mourners pass to receive the first expressions of comfort. Judaism provides a ritual phrase: "May God com­fort you among the mourners of Israel and Jerusalem." This ritual is in recognition of the difficulty in finding appropriate words for this situation. (See the glossary under "Memorial phrases" for the He­brew text and transliteration.)

I. Shiva - Returning to the House of Mourning

49. Arrange before departing for the funeral service the three observances that will be performed upon returning from the cemetery:

- A basin and a cup for the ritual washing of hands before re‑entering the house. Jewish law states that contact with the dead imparts ritual impurity. This does not refer to personal cleanliness or hygiene but indicates respect for the mystery of death. The symbolic action of rinsing the hands in plain water renders the person suitable for return to life and the living.

‑ A shiva candle in a prominent place, ready to be lit immediately upon re‑entering the house. This candle, provided by the funeral home, will burn for seven days. The candle's flame is a pervasive symbol in Jewish ritual. It represents the soul's constant striving for higher realms of life. It should not be replaced by an electric fixture.

‑ A Meal of Condolence. This is done by friends of the mourners. Minimally it should include bread (the "staff' of life") and eggs (symbols of life's conti­nuity). It may also include cooked vegetables (some tradi­tions prescribe lentils, their roundness a symbol of conti­nuity) and sweets. Your synagogue may help perform this mitzvah when needed.

50. Make other preparations in the furnishings of the house. Low benches are often provided by the funeral home for the mourners to sit upon, and mirrors are cus­tomarily covered.

Rabbi Mel Glazer is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist who can help you navigate these difficult waves of emotion. He has served pulpits in the United States and Canada, and Johannesburg, South Africa. Feel free to call upon him for guidance when making difficult decisions. He is also available to officiate at funerals for your loved ones anywhere in America. His phone number is 1.877. LECHAIM. (1.877.532.4246)

Rabbi Mel Glazer http://www.yourgriefmatters.com © Rabbi Mel Glazer, 2005