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How Do I Handle This As A Peaceful Parent? V

   By: Nancy Buck

In both your lecture and book you emphasize the importance of making dreary tasks fun as well as negotiations with your children. Does everything need to be fun? Is everything supposed to turn into a negotiation? Can I ever just say "Do what I ask because I ask it of you?"

The simple answer to your question is "YES." You do not need to turn every chore into fun and games. Yes, when you ask your child to follow a direction, negotiation does not need to follow this request. You certainly have the right to expect that your child will do as you ask when you ask simply because you have asked. From my perspective this is respectful, courteous behavior.

Conversely, I expect that you also complete necessary childcare chores without having all become fun and games. I hope that you fulfill simple request your child makes some of the time because she has made them. You are setting the example, teaching him how people who respect and love one another treat one another.

Turning dreary tasks into fun and games means you understand that your child has the inherent instruction for fun. When and if you make chores and tasks more fun it increases the likelihood that you child will complete the chore or task without complaint. Children can't resist fun! Children can resist tasks and chores. I do not mean to say that everything must be fun. What I mean is that if you can increase the fun involved in daily living both you and your child will be more satisfied following your inherent instructions.

If every time your child resisted your request she demanded to negotiate and you agreed, you would soon be exhausted! If every time there was some dispute between you and your son, he got his way (his quality world picture) and you didn't, your need for power would be thwarted. The same is true in reverse. If every time there was a dispute between you and your daughter and you got your way (your quality world picture) and she didn't, her need for power would be thwarted. Negotiations are helpful when you and your child have two different pictures. Working together you can try to negotiate a way both of you get some of what you want or you both agree on a completely new solution, a new quality world picture. Thus both of you meet your need for power with one another. I do not recommend that you do this every time there is a dispute. Rather, self-evaluate. How often are you letting your child win? How often are you winning? How many requests seem to be turning into battles over who will win? These are the areas that need to be considered as points of negotiation.

Peaceful Parenting® is a life-long process rather than a cook book solution. I recommend Peaceful Parenting® ideas to help you and your child learn how to meet you inherent needs: for fun, for power, for love and belonging, for freedom and for survival. Understanding and following what motivates all behavior (yours, and your child's) is offered as a process that will help and support you. Raising loving, respectful and responsible children is the most important job of our lives. Peaceful Parenting® is my contribution to help you be successful and happy during the process.


Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. established Peaceful Parenting, Inc. in 2000 to bring her knowledge and experience with effective parenting to the greatest number of parents and other caretakers of children. She developed the Peaceful Parenting® program from her 25 years of experience as a developmental psychologist, trainer and educator with The William Glasser Institute and as the mother of twin sons. Her genuine, warm and authentic teaching style is clear and concise, helping learners move from the theoretical to real life situations.
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