"Lose your fear of personal conflict and learn how to confront in a positive way"
Do your female friends perceive you as difficult to talk to, because you are silent and reserved? Even worst, do they perceive you as a bore, even being a secure, responsible and honest person? What is wrong in this picture?
Well, as you probably know already, a lot of image is perception…..what she perceives from you is shaped by how do you do things to her. Are you the sullen, silent type of guy? Are your feelings stashed so deep inside you that are never shared? Her perception will lead her to believe that you are non-interesting and too closed in to bother.
Is there a way out?
You need to understand first, where from this behavior of yours is coming. Probably it is a belated reaction to something that happened to you way before, in your past: perhaps there was some violence in your childhood, some abuse. You have learned early on to shut up to preserve yourself from the consequences of confrontation, now any confrontation.
Years and years of that strategy have left you with an inability to express yourself and to say what you want from a relationship….Your best response is to clam up, and say nothing.
In the present, as much as your partner asks you, it is more obvious that, as you keep silent, it looks like as you don't have the words. Or worst, you don't care enough to answer….
The longer you are silent, the more she feels rejected and isolated, and keeps pressing for answers. This vicious circle is endless, and you can end up deserving the “passive aggressive” title with full honors…
Nobody knows that inside you are a person willing and needing to open up! They blame you for being silent, because they don't know what you are resisting to inside you. If you were to speak, worse things could happen, perhaps a vicious fight or an ugly confrontation, and that is the last thing you want to have!
The issue here is that you don't know how to confront in a gentle way, and that is damaging all your relationships…..at the end the only resource for you is to walk away or to be left behind.
How could you present an image of someone with better communication skills? How can you express yourself and communicate your interests in a peaceful and respectful way? Here is a very simple way:
You are in the middle of a difference of opinion with your lover. You have said why her interest is for you a “NO, I don't want to do it.” But she continues begging….
Here you can either walk away; or make a show of stolid silence, or say:
“When you…(keep badgering me with a project I don't care about)
“I feel….(under a lot of pressure)
“Because…..(I could use my time in a better way, but don't want to disappoint you)
See how easy is it? If you learn to apply this formula in other situations, you will find a very easy way to break up this sullen, introverted image of yours. In the process, you are opening up without aggression, revealing your feelings and keeping up a deep conversation with her. What else can she want?
You will live without fear of conflict, using the skills mastery provided to you by the good ideas, suggestions and techniques included in the path designed by the Conflict Mastery Program offered by http://www.positiveconflicts.com Once you have learned the whys, ask for the coaching FREE session offered at http://www.norafemenia.com, where there is skilled Conflict Coaching available for different personal areas with conflict. It is designed for individuals experiencing high levels of inter-personal conflict, or for persons needing to change their “Difficult Person” image, or also for individuals fearing incoming rounds of negotiations and deal making with angry opponents from ex-spouses to other “enemies.”
Neil Warner, Conflict Coach
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