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This is a parody of a wealthy family's attempt at social normalcy and an oblivious trophy wife does the talking. What she doesn't know...well, she may never know.
The Annual Cheetem Family Holiday¯ Letter By: Noelle Franzen
Seasonal Greetings to all!
We, the aforementioned Cheetem clan (he he, alliteration) are all in robust health as we near the end of another wonderful yet bittersweet year here in quiet, sleepy Aspen, CO. Robert, (Dad, as I like to call him) has remained at the helm of Cheetem, Billim and Gougem for the sixteenth year! What a thriving business the law has become in this quaint little town. With that little JonBenet girl being killed and all, everyone on the street is whispering about lawyers this and lawyers that. It must be wonderful to have a real job complete with people talking about you all the time! Robbie (as I also like to call him) continues also to participate regularly in charitable events (also a PR stunt”that's what he calls them). This year saw the great success of the fifth annual Jog-a-thon benefiting children without designer snowsuits and skis! What a wonderful idea. Who knows what those children looked like before Daddy (another name I like and use frequently) so graciously provided cute little matching Prada ensembles! He is also very, very busy with an out of town venture that he will not tell me about. In fact, he is rarely home for dinner anymore. It is probably for the best though; I think I have run out of meal ideas! I am such a horrible wife! Oh well, I suppose some day he'll tell me about why he must have that out of town apartment for all of those meetings! Those lawyers, full of secrets, aren't they?
Bradford, our number one son, received his B.A. in business administration from Harvard in May of this year. He is so smart! It is a wonder to me; I have a hard time reading The Catcher in the Rye. My goodness, that Holden boy says Jesus Christ alot [sic] (Papa told me to do that if I ever see a word spelled wrong!) Maybe I will get smarter with time. Oh yes, Bradford, now where was I? Gosh, I sure do have a crummy short-term memory. He says he wants to be a business administrator, whatever that means. I do not know where they come up with these titles for jobs! I told him that he should go back to school for a couple years. I heard that after that, you could even get another degree. Themastery degree I think it isyes, mastery of business administration. Why he would want two degrees in the same subject is beyond me. Ah, to be a schoolboy! Anyway, Bradford also has been dating a very sweet girl named Mariel. She's not too pretty, poor girl, but Bradford says she is very, very smart in a lot (ooh, I did it right!) of extra-curricular¯ activities. Well, good for her. She has to make up for what she lacks! I took her to Bloomies the other day and bought her a slew of makeup. I sure hope it helps!
Gerald, (I let Dad pick this name out, he had a thing for some PresidentJimmy Carter I think) our number two son has just one year left at Robertson Wendell School for Boys in upstate New York. He is very busy. The boys are required to play a different sport every quarter and poor Gerald, he just flat out doesn't like confrontation! He got lucky first quarter, they offered running. Now its second quarter and he is stuck in the hard part of a rock, as they say. The only sports they offer are basketball and rugby. I do not know what he is going to do. He calls me nearly every night and just cries and cries and criesjust like a little girl! Thank heavens they offer needlepoint as an elective, or I think he would just go nuts! Gerald says that he is only one enrolled in the class, and he likes his teacher very much, he is kind, understanding and young too! They meet outside of class for coffee sometimes and discuss classes and fung shie. How nice it must be for Harold, I mean Gerald to have a mentor like that. I think I will send his teacher some chocolates and a nice self-help book! I heard Oprah's newest is sure to fly off the shelves (gosh, what a mess that would be!). Gerald is even talking about taking extra classes, but as an independent study¯ with that same teacher. Something about hot tubbing during winter”I guess it is some sort of experimental class. He still does not have a girlfriend, but I'm not worried, Gerald says there are many nice people in this place they call the village. He does not go very often, but I send him money for his little tripsI hope he meets a really nice girl there, and one prettier than Mariel!
As for me, sweet lovable me, I am still chair of the local PTA! They think I still have kids in the elementary school because I look so young and beautiful! As a matter of fact (Daddy's favorite term) I am scheduled to go in for my regular nip-n-tuck session next week! Ooh, what fun. I tell you, they let you dress up in those scrubbies¯ and you look just like a doctor, except you are not, and then they put a mask over your mouth and the real doctor comes inpoof! Just like that, another five years, gone! Those plastic doctors are GOOD. Now, if only my thighs looked as good as my face! That would be a medical miracle.
So, as you can all tell, things could not be better in our perfect world. I have a wonderful husband, who I don't even have to cook dinner for, and two absolutely brilliant genius sons who are making their way in this designer-less world.
Have a wonderful winter (ooh, good) and a happy new year!
The Cheetems Robert, Missy, Bradford and Gerald
P.S. I really want one of those new Cadillac SUVs for Christmasso if you see Robert around town, drop a hint or two for me!
About the Author
Noelle is a senior at Concordia University in Irvine, CA, majoring in English. She hopes to find work writing satirical/politically themed articles for magazines after graduation. If that doesn't happen...well, she'll just be a struggling writer living on saltines and jugs of water.
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